Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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