Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.

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(305): View more from Florida

Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar

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