Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize