i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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