doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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