Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
