i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
