ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
