Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
