I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
