My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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