paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
