WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
