3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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