Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
