did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
