Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
