God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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