can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
