glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
