At least make sure they are 18
Why
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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