Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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