hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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