The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
