it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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