U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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