Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
