The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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