i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
