I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
