I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
