So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
