# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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