Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
