Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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