I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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