i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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