Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
