i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
