I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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