I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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