she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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