fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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