When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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