he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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