omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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