on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
