he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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