Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
