so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
