I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You have to summon your inner elephant
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
