come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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