what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize