I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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