I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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