If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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