My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I could fuck to npr.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
