I met the friendliest cop last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
