You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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