My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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