I just pynch a tree in the face
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
