I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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