she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
