I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
