So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
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