God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish you could order shots online.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
